***warning: more details than you might want to know follow***
Today a very angry gay identified man, left a message at work that went along these lines … emphasis mine.
… Your website is
laughable. You say that monogamous long-term relationships do not exist
in the gay community, but I know that they do because I have had many of them …
O……K….. huh? Re-read the quote, slowly for full effect.
Now, I know that there are at least three gay identified men who are in relationships who read my blog and probably many more who read but don't comment (lurk.) Two of the three I am thinking of have been in long term relationships.
Now, when I was actively involved in the gay community I had a two year relationship once but it was anything but healthy. Also, during my stint as a gay identified man, I knew two couples who had been together for a long time. One for 9 years and the other for 11 years. The problem was the couple of 9 years were always sleeping with other people but that was part of their agreement as long as they came home to each other. The couple of 11 years was always into three ways and I met them because … to be quite honest, these 40 somethings where quite interested in me at 19 years old.
Don't worry, nothing happened with them… and that's all I am sayin' 'bout that.
Now, for the gay identified male couples who read this blog… I am not saying that you fit this promiscuous pattern. I have no clue and I am not sure I want to know 
However, a friend sent me this quote that I would like for you to comment on (as well as anything else about this post.)
In gay male relationships, a policy of sexual exclusivity is rarer
than an agreement of 'emotional monogamy' in which partners have
sanction, sometimes with certain limitations, to have sex outside the
relationship provided the extra-relational contact does not threaten
the emotional integrity of the partnership.11Arthur Fox, “Monogamy,” The Body: The
Complete HIV/AIDS Resource,
http://www.thebody.com/encyclo/monogamy.html (accessed May 3,
2006)
Do you see this as redefining monogamy? justifying promiscuity? outlandish? or somehow acceptable?
I have to think that the man who left the message today must have that kind of view of monogamous relationships in order to be able to say what he said.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
My guess is the person who left that message meant that the relationships that he was in were monogamous. You can have many monogamous relationships. This would be the equivalent in the straight community with having serial marriages–they are (hopefully) monogamous with their current spouse, but get a divorce, remarry and are monogamous again.
In terms of the quote: I feel that if society is voting to not allow gays to marry and be legally monogamous, then society shouldn’t take issue with the fact that some gay couples are not monogamous. I don’t think society can have it both ways. They can’t complain that gays and lesbians are promiscuous while at the same time not allowing them to be legally recognized couples.
Then again, that same article states: “Large-scale studies executed in the United States over the past 40 years have found that at least 37 percent of men and 29 percent of women have engaged in sex outside their marital relationship.” So marrying won’t necessarily make one more susceptible to monogamy!
Interesting set of comments and reflections. Fact is, I’ve forever heard that women tend to be “more” monogamous but eventually one or both partners venture out…which, I suppose, was acceptable. I don’t get it. Aren’t we really talking about having an “open” relationship if the decision is to have outside sexual partners? That is not monogamy.
If people are forced to live in committed relationships without all the legal bonds, then there is no reason for them not to make up whatever kind of relationship they want to have.
I don’t think anyone can call people promiscuous or complain about it while at the same time trying to make sure they cannot have legally recognized relationships.
If straight marriage is a deterrent to promiscuitiy, then what reason is there to say that gay marriage wouldn’t be a deterrent as well?
That article from the AIDS organization was not justifying promiscuity. It was just reporting on the way people behave. It didn’t push for one behavior or another.
Randy, my experience reflects pretty much the same thing as yours. In 5 years of pursuing homosexuality, I knew many couples who lived together in “committed” relationships, though monogamy was never part of the arrangement.
I only ever present this as what it is–my own personal experience–and not as in-depth research or anything like that. But, I think it’s noteworthy.
The idea that giving legal marital status to gay relationships would cause there to be less promiscuity doesn’t fly with me. It certainly never stopped the heterosexual men who’ve cheated on their wives.
The fact that this argument even exists is evidence to me that promiscuity is as big a problem in the gay male community as I suppose it is.