My Interview with a Vampire - A Halloween Post
Just so you won’t be confused, the following is a work of fiction. It was inspired by a friend on facebook who used an app to send an online “vampire” after me. For the sake of fiction, let’s call this vampire “Lou.”
::: knock on the door :::
::: I open the door :::
ME: Hi ::: noticing how pasty and weary the creature in front of me is :::
LOU THE VAMPIRE
: Hey, um …. your friend Daniel sent me.
ME: Really! Well that Daniel … he’s such a nice guy huh? How can I help you? … wait … do you have fangs?
LOU THE VAMPIRE: Actually I think I am supposed to bite you and make you into a vampire.
ME: Well … that’s not nice
LOU THE VAMPIRE: I don’t really know how else to say it so I just sort of get to the point …. Are you going to invite me in? … because union rules say I can’t come in unless you invite me.
ME: I am supposed to invite you in to make me undead and suffer eternal torment and damnation?
LOU THE VAMPIRE: Listen I am just trying to do as I am told here …
ME: I am thinking … no … No I don’t want to invite you in. I kind of like being a warm blooded day walker. … but your tattoo is cool.
LOU THE VAMPIRE: ::: big smile::: oh yeah that! Thanks man. Tinkerbell is my fave.
::: back to the subject with a big sigh ::: Daywalker? if only I had a dollar for every Blade reference … man I hate Wesley Snipes.
Listen, times are tough for Vampires. Man, I just took this temp job and they sent me to …
ME: Sensing that Lou The Vampire was too self-absorbed to be any real danger I ask, “Would you like to talk about this on the porch over coffee?”
LOU THE VAMPIRE: That would be nice…
So I grab the coffee carafe that I had just filled with my favorite brew from Starbucks, two nice big mugs, fancy creamer and Splenda. We sit down …
LOU THE VAMPIRE: So anyway, as I was about to say, people just aren’t scared of us anymore ::: running his fingers through his stringy brown hair, his fangs click against the mug as he takes a sip ::: See, since all those Goth kids started imitating us… people just sort of scoff. They don’t run in fear anymore. Also, when we try to use our powers of seduction… they think we are being all “emo” and laugh.
It’s rough being a Vampire nowadays. I took this Vampire-4-Hire temp job because they have an exclusive contract with Facebook. The head temp lady, Elvira, said that it was a for sure gig because these Facebook Freaks friends are sending us out by the tens of thousands toward every one of their friends. This is my first assignment.
::: Lou repeats with a little indignation :::This is my first assignment! ::: exasperated look ::: and here you are … won’t even let me come in your home ::: thumping table with undead fist ::: and listening to me whine over coffee. ::: tears start to well up ::: That’s pretty pathetic huh?
ME: I answer “Yes, that is pretty pathetic.” And right then I whip out a wooden stake and drive it through his evil demonic undead heart and he evaporates in a cloud of fire and smoke. A supernaturally loud wailing can be heard trailing off into the netherworld.
Lou The Vampire was stupid.
Technorati Tags: Vampire, Facebook, Halloween, Starbucks
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