Many times I get criticized for not publicly denouncing people on my “side” when they say, or allegedly say, something that is inappropriate or hostile. Usually I make it a habit to not call out people publicly on my blog unless they are really really high profile like the Presidential candidates. I think it is lazy to attack people publicly, by name, on a blog. That’s my personal opinion. I have not been perfect in that regard but every time I have mentioned someone by name, I usually regret it big time.
Plus, Biblically, I am commanded to go to a sibling in Christ one to one first. I figure that if the Lord expects that among believers He would think that is best for unbelievers as well. For example, one high profile Lesbian identified leader said some *awful* things to me personally several years ago and I didn’t blog it. What purpose would it have served except to gripe and take passive aggressive revenge? I still hold hope to have a meaningful conversation with her.
What happens much more often is I will get emails or comments about, “Well, why don’t you confront so and so on your blog?” Or, “you must agree because you haven’t addressed those comments or that situation.”
Interestingly, it seems that people think that if they are not a part of the conversation or if I don’t blog what has happened than somehow nothing was done. Not only that, but somehow I owe it to them to tell them every little detail. That’s strange to me.
Actually, if there were transcripts of some of my phone calls with people who insult or offend the gay community, I think many of my gay activist foes would be very surprised.
In fact, I have tough conversations with people, friends and not … all the time. But my goal isn’t to have blog fodder. I blog for fun and on topics that strike me at the moment. I don’t blog about conflict management among friends and foes. It’s not my blog’s purpose to share when I confront or am confronted by others.
Here is an email (in part) that I sent to a friend not long ago that is along the lines of conversations that I have had with other leaders who are perceived as less than compassionate or hostile to the gay community. This person, a friend, was accused of stereotyping gay males and saying some distressing things on how to treat them. This letter included personal information that is why there are some ellipses and no introduction. Some very minor technical editing has occurred to make it understandable in this post. The main content and message are unaffected by the tweaks.
… I must share that I have been violently attacked for my mannerisms … I have also had a truckload of men with shotguns drive up as I left a gay bar. They were talking about killing some “fags” and shooting their guns in the air. I know what it is like to push my friend under the car, wedge myself in between him and the door and listen to men walk around us firing shotguns in the air. Also, on another completely separate instance at a different bar, a man once pulled a pistol out waving it at my boyfriend and I. He was less than three feet away. He never did shoot and I knew the grace of God spared us.
When I was unsaved, comments like that (what was allegedly shared) were stumbling blocks to believing that Christ followers were truly loving people. That’s easy to understand because my experiences would lend me to think that you probably would attack someone or condone those who would attack. I know now that you are not that type of person … at all. At the same time, I also understand why people would look at what you said with fear and react very negatively to you.
God has dealt with me about my mannerisms. I repent for the way I used them to manipulate people and project narcissim. At the same time I was raised by women for the first 10 years of my life. I will always have an “accent.” And I will never be any less of a man for it.
Please forgive me if my email comes off a little rough. I don’t want it to be. At the same time, I know you value honesty and directness, so that is why I have been so bold to just lay it out there. …
While the above letter won’t go very far to satisfy some militant gay activists. That said, the goal is to approach friends or foes with my concerns in a loving way as I would want those who have problems with me to do as well.. Conflict resolution is never going to have a good start or end without mutually respectful and private dialog. This allows that conversation to be directed by the Lord and not pressured by others.
If you are sitting there reading this wondering who I sent this email to … don’t. I am not going to tell you and it is only a representation of the many that I have sent over my sixteen years in this type of ministry. Also, many loving people have confronted *me* over the years too. Probably a lot more coming to me than me going to others ::: grin :::.
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