ETC: Everyday Thoughts Collected

I was in DC last week for a Pastor’s conference. It ended Friday around 2pm and our next meeting was really a birthday party at 6pm. In between I took a nap and then went to Barnes & Noble. While there I saw a book by Augusten Burroughs called A Wolf At The Table. I picked it up and read the jacket. It looked to be very traumatizing and I didn’t really need that at that moment.

I am being honest in that I have not ever heard of Burrough’s before. I had heard of “Running with Scissors” in passing but didn’t register what it was about. Meaning, I know I saw the headline somewhere or maybe passed by the book in a bookstore thinking it was a clever title. But other than that I had no idea who the author was or what was in the book. Because Wolf At The Table looked intriguing I found his other books on the shelf and saw Running With Scissors. I thought, “Well, I need to read something on the plane home. Plus I am into memoirs lately and this is a memoir sooo…” I bought it. As my co-worker Mark and I headed to the register I said, “I have been reading memoirs by two authors who happen to be gay, I hope he (Burroughs) isn’t gay too.”

It’s not that I don’t want or can’t handle reading gay memories/viewpoints or authors. I have quite a few of my own gay memories thank you very much. I also know what most gay centered worldviews encapsulate. I lived one and deal with the conflict of those worldviews almost daily. I was hoping for something different from Burroughs since I do deal with this topic all the time. I have read Palahniuk and Sedaris (both identify as gay with disturbingly traumatic and/or funny memoirs/books.) I was hoping Burroughs would be a different path.

Nope.

After the graphic depiction of his being raped at 13 by a 30+ year old male and confessing to be gay … the hope for a gay and trauma free memoir went flying out the window. I don’t know if Augusten would call it rape (he might because it was an awful accounting.) I told a friend of my disappointment and he said, “Well that disqualifies the rest of the book. You aren’t going to finish reading it are you?”

I wouldn’t recommend others read it but I did finish the book. Gees, it (that abusive relationship) was horrible. I felt awful for what young Augusten went through. Granted, it was crass and much of what Burroughs shares about those early experiences is vulgar…nevertheless it’s his story…and what happened was crass and vulgar. I am not sure what others would think about this but my own memories rival what Palahniuk, Sedaris or Burroughs could write about with regard to sexuality. While it might violate the conscience of others, it did not bother me to finish the book.

Nutshell: I would not recommend others read it because they may have never thought of or experienced that type of thing and don’t need to. For others it might be an unwanted trigger of memories happily moved beyond. For me, it does not shock my sensibilities because I have heard, experienced (in the past) and dealt with these types of things. Reading these memoirs is much more than these few accountings of homosexual encounters.  These also give me a window into how other authors are sharing their stories in book form. While I can relate to them, I am secure in who I am and the path I am on is far different from theirs.

Moving on …

I have been reading memoirs because several people I trust have told me to consider doing that type of writing. Granted, all three of the above mentioned authors are quite different but all three are really good story tellers. I am not just looking to be entertained or informed, I am looking at their style and trying to figure out their goals and purpose.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) all three seem to be a bit chaotic. Near as I can tell, it would seem these three are simply sharing their stories to simply share their stories. That’s powerful and simple enough.

I am looking for the “take-away” as well. What I take away from Palahniuk is shared terror, three days of PTSD management and nightmares with a strong urge to draw dark scenes in nothing but charcoal. He is the reason I believe trauma attracts those who have experienced trauma. I can’t pick up his books because I can’t put them down if I do. He freaks me out. Palahniuk is by far the best writer of the three.

… and that should scare you.

My takeaway from Sedaris is thinking the dude is a nut, wondering how much of the stories were “embellished” or not and thinking I would like to write like him … but not. He’s not a traumatic writer necessarily. It bugs me that there are rumors of his allowing satire to over-ride the sharing of the facts of his life. I don’t know how much of that is true, or fair. I guess, after my initial enthusiasm over his style, I am ambivalent about Sedaris.

My takeaway from Burroughs is that he is probably the one I can most relate too. While this season of his life that he is sharing (in Running with Scissors) is chaotic, he does have some kind of order to his book. The takeaway is a mix of sympathy, empathy, mourning but also encouragement to know he is a fighter. His ability to reflect on his life shows me that he could be a very strong man with more to share than what is presented in Running With Scissors.

Not sure if I will ever finish writing my own book along the lines of a “memoir.” Probably. Would it be read by a wide audience? I have no clue and not sure that should be my goal. What I do get from all of these authors is that their writing has been cathartic. Catharsis, loving to write and the feeling it is God’s direction, may be the compelling reasons for me to try to do this.

The conundrum I have is that it seems overwhelming and hard to pin down. ::: sigh :::

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