Spidercide

A documentary of the lone survivor

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Voiceover … “Tonight on Spider Survivor Stories …”

::: no intro ::: sudden close up of a lanky but still fierce Spider :::

::: Throwing four of his eight legs up in exasperation ::: “It all happened so suddenly! ”

::: camera change to right profile shot catching a nice reflection of the stark lone lightbulb from eight little eyes ::: The Spider speaks.

“Hello, my name is none of your business. My Comrades and I were assigned to set up an outpost on the porch of one Mr. Randy Thomas. Our objective, as always, was to establish a stronghold of fear and terror. Then, one day, the plan was that one of our minions would drop on Mr. Thomas causing him to shriek like a four year old girl. We would catch the whole thing on camera and post it on YouTube. In the past, Mr. Thomas has provided excellent “fear” responses that have brought hundreds of generations of Spiders uncounted joy.”

“His ability to jump straight up in the air with a shriek that only dogs and insects can hear is the stuff of legend.”

“The Brown Recluse Tribe of Hurst Texas have a GREAT story and slideshow!”

“To date, we had never gotten this Mr. Thomas screaming on video. ::: nostalgic and noble look crosses the Spider’s face ::: This was the mission of our outpost … the was the mission … the mission … of our lives …”

::: camera change to full on view of the head area, rear end adjusts and the legs pull in a little bit except the third one back on the viewers right side … it is broken ::: Secret Agent Spider sighs :::

“It was a normal humid Sunday afternoon in Florida. A brief rain shower had come through causing the porch windows to mist up with condensation ever so slightly. Mr. Thomas likes his AC. Comrade Spider #2 had just come back from recon with no news and construction of our web of fear continued.”

“You see, we Spiders are evil. No rest for the wicked … not even on Sunday.”

“Then, all of a sudden Mr. Thomas, instead of taking his usual Sunday nap, comes out of the front door. He does not have his usual diet coke plus, man purse and jangly keys. He has a blue stick with large yellow bristly things on the end.”

“The entire Spider outpost goes on high alert. The tales of long sticks with bristles, so called “brooms” have sent terror through the Spider world for eons. Our entire outpost freezes in place so as not to draw the attention of the “broom” carrying Thomas.”

“He starts moving around the dirt and leaves that have collected on the porch. So far so good. Mr. Thomas works up a little sweat … easy to do that day … that dreadful and dark day. At first, like most stupid humans, he is oblivious to our watchful gaze, our superior vantage point and our dastardly plans. Then Comrade Spider #Loser says,”It’s about time the big human jerk started cleaning this place up … dude hadn’t been out here to get rid of those leaves in forever … and…” Comrade Spider #462 ran over and clamped leg number six over Comrade Losers mouth.”

“But the damage was done. Although our method of communication is on a level not able to be perceived by human ears … somehow they just know when we are around … Especially if we move and sometimes even when we talk. ”

::: dramatic theme from Jaws music :::

“Mr. Thomas stopped in his tracks …

… and looked up. His two eyes met with all 4,096 of ours.”

::: re-enactment dramatization scrolls across the screen ::: blurred human figure roaring like a lion lunges toward the spider outpost :::

::: Lone Survivor Spider takes a tissue and dabs his 1st, 3rd, 7th and then 4th eye. ::: The following is a voiceover of the re-enactment of a broom bouncing off the walls rapidly and repeatedly but in slow motion ::: with each FWAP! against the wall, one to thirty Comrade Spiders fall to the ground with little Spider screams accompanying each FWAP! ::: some are only maimed and try to limp off but are quickly met with another supersonic delivery of the yellow bristles of death :::

Survivor Spider yells, “It was horrible! The HORROR!!! … The HORROR!!!!” “There was no shrieking from Mr. Thomas. Oh no, he sounded like the mammal beast that he is and he showed no mercy!” ::: Survivor Spider breaks down crying :::

“My fifth leg was broken and I just decided to play dead for a little while. Mr. Thomas looked upon the carnage he had wrought upon his front porch and said, “oh … yuck! That was SO gross.” “As he walked inside to get a trash bag, to carelessly throw my comrades into with the leaves and dust, I quickly dragged myself off into a crevice on the steps.”

“Eventually, once ESHQ (Evil Spider Head Quarters) had not heard from us in three days. Back up Comrade Spider Units came and found me unconscious. All I remember is saying, “I’ll be back Mr. Thomas… I’ll be back!”

“And… you know ::: all eight eyelids close halfway ::: we will be back!!! ::: Front leg jabs toward the camera ::: “You can COUNT on it!”

::: Spider Survivor Stories theme music plays as the credits scroll us out to commercial :::

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