Sixteen Years Ago

by Randy on July 23, 2008

[From YouTube - Interview - Exodus International Freedom Conference 2008]

An asides, today is *the* sixteenth anniversary of my decision to walk away from my gay identity and ideology. Our opponents in the video essentially, among a couple of other things, said that “… this could last a long time but eventually the truth will come out…” implying that eventually people like myself will go back to a “gay” defined life and sex.


Sixteen years is a long time and I personally attest that I am still not gay. The “truth” is that while you may have some who tried our way of life and bailed out for various reasons … some of us did not abandon our journey. We have found security and grace in Christ and His Church to pursue our own goals and have found the efforts worth it. We have found freedom. Regardless of circumstance (life is full of ‘em) we have found contentment.

People may sneer, stigmatize, cynically curse our efforts but in the end we, those dealing with same sex attractions, have a choice on how we deal with those attractions. I have chosen, and taken personal responsibility, to move beyond a life defined by them and have found practical, unexpected and transcendent changes as a result. If others want to define their lives within the parameters of modern gay ideology … that might be “fine” for them but I wanted more … and found it in my relationship with Christ.

UPDATE 7/30/8 - People wanted to know what I meant by gay ideology.  I briefly approached the subject in the comments.  You can find it by clicking here.

Share on ...
  • Facebook
  • Google
  • TwitThis
  • Pownce
  • Print this article!
  • E-mail this story to a friend!

    Related posts (automatically generated)

Tagged as: Activism, Christ, Church, Conference, Ex-Gay, Exodus, Freedom, Gay, Grace, Homosexuality, Identity, Ideology, Interview, Life, People, Personal, Video, Youtube

Viewing 32 Comments

    • ^
    • v
    The last sentence on the news piece: "the demand is high for Exodus's services... because there is still shame associated with being gay". Here's your sign! In 1986 I had a supernatural experience that literally scared the hell out of me and I returned to Jesus Christ... out of fear of hell. After six months of that "supernatural" experience I found myself in a relationship with a man 20 yrs my senior. After a year of partying, expensive living, rubbing elbows with the rich and [some] famous, I found myself alone [having broken up which the person I thought was "the one"]. I spent almost another year spending my weekends at home medicating my loneliness with alcohol. I would go to adult bookstores for magazines, but would never pursue any encounter or contact with another human being. I had faced the fact that true [gay] love/relationship could never be found whether in a bar, a GLBT community committee, the movie stalls in bookstores or the Gay Metropolitan Church. So I medicated myself until one Sunday afternoon/evening. I had just about finished my second gallon of Carlo Rossi wine when I came to the end of myself. I finally had enough. I finally cried out and surrendered to the Lordship of Christ by way of a simple Gospel message on the TV. That was 21 years ago. Though I walked away from my gay identity, I have struggled [yes, I confess! :) ] to truly trust Jesus, to forgive myself and others, and to embrace the man that God had created [in me] from the first [before time]. It has by no means been easy. I must have given up innumerable times. But He pursued me, and never gave up on me. It takes faith and trust in God to please Him. The Word of God states that we should not ever expect to have our prayer answered with out faith and trust in the expectant answer to those prayers. I didn't mean for this to be a lengthy personal testimony, but what makes Exodus Intl. different from other secular organizations is because it is faith-based. And no created being has any right to be so presumptuous as to tell me it doesn't work or it will not last. No one can has the right to judge and sentence my experiences. All things are possible to him who believes! I can't wait to cast my crown before Him and look into the face of the One who took me for His own and set me free!
    • ^
    • v
    Randy,
    Happy, happy RE-birthday!
    • ^
    • v
    @kate -
    sankyouveddymuch. I want to clarify something though. Usually "re-birthday" means the Christian "born-again" or "second birth" of the Spirit. I actually became a Christian in May of 1992. Today is the anniversary date of my prayer time with the Lord in which He changed my heart concerning His intent for my identity and sexuality. So, it really isn't my "re-birthday" per se ... it's just a huge personal milestone. Sorry if I confused you Kate.
    • ^
    • v
    @Greg P. -
    Wow ... Carlo Rossi ... ::: blech ::: I am so glad you are alive :).

    Seriously. Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. I am glad to have met you at the conference and pray that your continued journey is full of joy.
    • ^
    • v
    Happy Anniversary, Randy.

    I don't remember the exact day of mine, but I do know this summer marks my fourth anniversary. I remember God calling me back to Him a few times during the spring and summer of '04, and when I finally said yes to Him, it was such a relief. (It hurts to wrestle with God!)

    It was scary, also, saying yes to Him, because I had to leave behind everything I held onto, and like Greg, I still struggle to truly Trust Jesus, and like Lot's wife, I still look back once in awhile (though it has been a long while, come to think about it) but I was just so grateful to have some Truth in my life. And the Truth comes clearer and clearer through my walk with Him.

    ANYWAY, I'm so grateful for the work Exodus does, including the Freedom Conference. Yeah, freedom!
    • ^
    • v
    C'mon Randy, you're so gay, that voice, those eyes...
    • ^
    • v
    Congratulations....isn't God good! It will be 7 years Thanksgiving Day for me. Praise Him!
    • ^
    • v
    @Julie - Thank you Julie. I can relate to the different seasons of "looking back." But I can also relate to the truth becoming clearer along the way. Thanks for sharing a bit of your testimony. I am grateful for you.
    • ^
    • v
    Originally Posted By Yuri
    C'mon Randy, you're so gay, that voice, those eyes...


    Now that we have the jr. high response out of the way ... what else ya' got? ::: as masculine as I can make it chuckle, taking my hand off my hip while looking sternly through my incredible eyelashes :::
    • ^
    • v
    @Amy - wonderful! Thanksgiving no less. Thanks for jumping in and sharing.
    • ^
    • v
    Meh, it's been a little over two years now. It wasn't a decision to "leave gay identity" (because I still can't get anyone to adequately define what they mean by "gay identity"). It was just a decision to follow Christ and do whatever would be pleasing to Him. If that meant abstaining from sex, so be it. That certainly hasn't been my biggest problem over the past two years.

    I haven't done the best, but I'm working on it. My faith is slow and plodding, meticulous and analytical, and I view this subject "matter-of-factly" and with as little fanfare as possible, because is it really such a big deal when compared to the sins of selfishness and pride that every single Christian deals with?

    I will say, however, that just because someone believes differently than I do about what constitutes sexual sin, that does not mean they have "defined their lives within the parameters of modern gay ideology." There are plenty of gay men and women who view their sex lives in the same way I view my lack of one -- "matter-of-factly" and with as little fuss as possible.

    I know men and women who don't drink, don't go to clubs, are in stable, long-term relationships, and are genuinely happy. These are the people that I think many ex-gay ministries fail (or don't try) to reach out to, because they seem to have the idea that any "gay lifestyle" is like the one in Greg's testimony. It's not. The reason we do this is not because we "wanted more" or because we were unhappy in a "gay identified life." It's because we wanted Christ. Earthly happiness is a secondary side-effect at best.
    • ^
    • v
    @Jay - Thanks for sharing your beliefs and story. When I refer to gay ideology... I am not talking about bar culture (even though that is a part of it.) In fact your seeming need to make sure the non-sensational are represented is a non-verbalized expectation of gay ideology to "balance" what is assumed as negative.

    I don't mean gay ideology in purely a negative manner even though I found it to be legalistic and limiting as a whole. I mean I believe it is an ideology that comes with a general worldview of what it means to be "gay."

    There are many lifestyles represented within gay ideology. I do believe there are core beliefs and worldviews associated with the modern context of being "gay." That would be the basis and reason I use the phrase "gay ideology."
    • ^
    • v
    In fact your seeming need to make sure the non-sensational are represented is a non-verbalized expectation of gay ideology to “balance” what is assumed as negative.

    So, let me get this straight... Wanting something to be fair and balanced is an "expectation of gay ideology" now? I should send a memo to Fox News...

    Look, if you want to say there is such a thing as "gay ideology," then you need to give a point-by-point list of what it entails, and then you had better make sure that every gay person adheres to every one of those points. Otherwise, the whole thing falls on its face. That, or you could subcategorize "gay ideology" into many smaller ideologies that could fall under the larger whole (in the same way one could subcategorize Christian ideology). But that would require research and pointed questions about what individuals believe about their sexuality and identity, not just what you've observed in your personal interactions with people

    Every gay individual will have a different view of what being gay means to them (although I admit some views will be similar). That should be inconsequential to us. We view homosexual behavior as a sin and homoerotic desires as a temptation to sin, and that's that.
    • ^
    • v
    @Jay -
    i·de·ol·o·gy
    1. the body of doctrine, myth, belief, etc., that guides an individual, social movement, institution, class, or large group ...


    I think its an obvious cultural universal that *any* community of people who identify with one another, on any level, have some sort of communal ideology aside from the personal implementation of their convictions and identity. I don't think I have to outline a complete thorough gay ideology thesis, on a blogpost about my own testimony, in order for others to eaisly understand and relate too.

    If there wasn't a gay ideology, "coming out" would have no meaning as being a shared experience. That's just one example. There also wouldn't be any national organizations to represent those who identify as gay. You would have millions of gay individuals and no gay community if there wasn't an underlying gay ideology at some level.

    Just as Christian communities and orgs vary ... there are core principles that underlie what it means to be "Christian." Individuals vary. Different gay communities vary. National org's missions and purpose vary ... but I think it is a no-brainer to assert that the gay community has a core ideology that spans the entire community of those who have adopted "gay" as their primary identity.

    That said, defining gay ideology thoroughly is a great idea. I am sure that there are plenty of others, who identify as gay or not, who have written about this. It's not a new to me idea and doesn't have to be negative even though I personally reject being "gay" as an identity and an avenue of sexual expression ... for sixteen years now.
    • ^
    • v
    Yeah :)

    <abbr>Brenna Kater, the Ocean Skaters last blog post..The Daily Grind (or Blend) & Green Smoothies 101 on ... http://oceanskater.blogspot.com</abbr>
    • ^
    • v
    • ^
    • v
    Praise God for 16 years! Very cool, Randy.
    • ^
    • v
    @Cheryl - Thanks Cheryl.
    • ^
    • v
    Randy,

    What IS this "core ideology" of the gay community? Being gay myself, I'd like to know. Surely you can give a brief explanation.
    • ^
    • v
    @Alex - I identified as gay from 10 to 24 and then started a 16 year journey of comparison/contrast of the gay worldview with the Christian worldview I now guide my life by.

    It cannot be encapsulated in a blog comment response. But, using the example above I will try to give brief example for each of the definition's points.

    1. the body of doctrine,

    let's go with religious doctrine even though doctrine could mean a lot of things. "God is love and would never condemn my love for my same sex partner." For the non-religious, "my love, while not exactly the same in expression and morality, has the the exact same benefits and equal to heterosexual love personally and with regard to social impact."

    myth, belief, etc.,

    so many to choose from but one belief was that 10 percent of the population was gay. From what I understand even gay activists are backing away from that number.

    Another myth is that homosexuality has already been proven to be genetic. Scientifically speaking it might be a good hypothesis but farrrrr from a tested theory that produces repeated empirical data necessary before considering something natural law.

    The belief, and I consider a myth, that the gay rights movement is synonymous with the civil rights movement of MLK.

    Final myth for this comment is that people can't change and to do so is harmful. I know personally that isn't true for everyone including myself.

    ... that guides an individual,

    gay ideology contends if you have same sex attractions you are gay and in order to be content you must accept that as a primary identity attribute and pursue romantic and/or erotic relationships with the same sex. To not identify as gay and pursue gay relationships is considered harmful to yourself and the "gay" community by not "coming out." Whatever your politics, religion or lack of religion you must contend for certain basic socio/political goals. Any deviations from these expectations is met with disapproval, condescension or outright stigmatizing scorn.

    social movement, institution, class, or large group …

    Movement: "gay rights." Institutions: HRC, GLAAD, MCC, GLSEN etc ... class (trying to change all relevant public policy to consider being "gay" as a protected class). Large group: "pride" parades give pictures to this.

    So, Alex, are you going to contend that the gay identified community, that I have identified with, been in and still in dialog with for 30 years is somehow different than any community past, present or future and not have an ideology?

    This assumed ideological basis is pretty basic sociology. In fact, and I am not being flip, I believe I learned that principle (universal communal ideology) in High School when the topic of sociology was brought up in Civics class.

    Is it not allowed to even identify a core communal ideology much less challenge it? That is rhetorical of course. I believe that some who identify as gay are as legalistic with their beliefs as any Christian I have met who is legalistic about theirs.

    I personally challenged what the gay community was telling me, or assuming, as "fact." I didn't choose to have same sex attractions but I eventually discovered I do have a choice in what I do about them, how I think about myself and what I support in my relationships and community. Identifying as gay and core gay ideology is not the avenue I wanted to pursue and is really no longer an option I even consider.
    • ^
    • v
    I just logged on to this discussion after seeing the link at ::: edit :::. I am put in mind of the two broad worldviews Mark Yarhouse has identified in his research into sexual identity. This is an oversimplification, but individuals he has counseled tended to embrace either a “discovery” or “integration” metaphor in their experience of same-sex attraction.

    In the “discovery” metaphor (which is the predominant cultural model, at least in the mainstream media), same-sex attraction is experienced and through a natural process of self-discovery (not always smooth) homosexual orientation and LGBT identity is realized, understood and adopted. Experience