I just came out of an emotionally destructive relationship LAST WEEK! WHAT NOW?
My first encouragement would be to slow down your thoughts and sit down with someone you consider to be a wise Christian mentor, support group or professional counselor. It never hurts to get objective feedback. Online/Offline anonymous questions are fine but they will never be anything compared to what you would receive from a caring objective mentor or counselor.
The question doesn’t say whether this was a homosexual or heterosexual relationship, married, familial or friends. It doesn’t say whether this was a long term relationship, friendship or a summer fling. In the end though, I don’t think it matters because destructive relationships are destructive relationships. Here is my general-not-professional-and-just-my-opinion advice (which is all I ever give.)
Grieve
I don’t know a single person who consciously wants a “destructive” relationship. Regardless of all that follows in this post, a dream was lost, an expectation was destroyed, trust and vulnerability were betrayed. You will need to recognize and allow yourself to grieve.
Assessment: Legitimate needs vs. sinful actions/reactions
Once you have slowed down, found a safe objective person or group to process with, turn this into an opportunity for growth. To do so will allow you as well as your current and future relationships to all benefit. Find out what your legitimate needs are (companionship, friendship, care, intimacy etc.) and seek out resources and examples to help you move toward meeting those legitimate needs in ways that are safe and truly honor God and yourself.
Also, do an assessment of not just how you were wronged (which might include the need to protect yourself, your assets or other relationships.) Assess *your* role in the relationship to discover if there were things that you did to add to the “destruction.” You may or may not have done anything but it never hurts to take a look at ourselves to see what dynamics we brought to the relationship. In the end, we can’t “move on” past ourselves. If we have an opportunity to be a better person in the light of knowledge and wisdom gained from personal humility … take it.
If you do find that you are responsible for some of the dysfunction, after godly feedback and accountability, make amends where necessary and where it doesn’t cause further damage. The timing of that will vary. Sometimes we need to be quick to ask for forgiveness. Other times we use that as an excuse to get back in the person’s life :). Other times… there just needs to be space and time to allow the sting of pain to stop being the determining factor. Sometimes it takes time to allow personal responsibility and maturity to be the guiding principles.
Personal tip: for me, journaling has always been a good way to process these types of things. Hand writing different situations out helps me slow down and think it through.
Forgive and Be Intentional
One thing the Lord told me is that He would forgive a particular abuser for their sins against me … without my permission or input if they asked Him too. At that time, this Truth totally ticked me off. Even so, God is also the ultimate Judge and it will be up to Him, not me, on how justice will be brought about for all of us concerning everything. Then I realized that as horrible as what this one abuser did to me was, they will have to account for their actions for their whole life … to Him! What they did to me is huge to me but nothing compared to what they have to face when they go before God. If they place their faith in Christ as Savior… they will be forgiven. If not, there will be an eternal not so great waiting for them.
It was at that point, early in my Christian walk, that I became more concerned with my abusers salvation than I did of my own sense of personal justice. My anger was *nothing* compared to the Holy Righteousness of God. When I found myself asking (not telling) God to release my abuser from the penalty of what they had done to me … my heart broke (in a good way.) I was released from the abusive pain knowing that the weight of their sin was in His hands and not on my shoulders. The pain was still there but now it was redemptive and helping me grow … not weighing me down.
In other avenues on a different level, I recognize that I have sinned against others. I know … it’s a shocker. Maybe not in the same way as I was abused but I am pretty good at creating reasons to go ask others for forgiveness. Two of which are being a smart aleck and quick to anger. When I have gone to someone to ask for forgiveness sometimes they beam with delight and throw their arms around me and say “OF COURSE! without hesitation!” Other times, its been a melancholy but peaceful affair of mutual forgiveness. A couple of times, there might be ongoing broken trust and further work to be done even though forgiveness has been extended.
I learned though… nothing turns for the relational good until forgiveness is asked for and/or extended. I don’t have to “feel” forgiven or be able to “feel” good in order to forgive. We have to be intentional with our humility to take personal responsibility. The act of confession and forgiveness opens the door for healing and maturity within our own soul.
Our Primary relationship is of course with God. He is quick to forgive and never leaves us or forsakes us. We confess our sins for cleansing and healing. While forgiveness is an act of the will in many cases, cleansing and healing is the ongoing loving work of Jehovah Rapha, our “Healer” the Holy Spirit. We must be intentional to look for Him to lead us in these, and all, matters.
Don’t limit the future and be intentional to learn all you can from your relationships. It will help you grow and mature in life.
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This blogpost doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the intricate details of possibilities and things to consider. However, there are SOOO many books and resources to help with overcoming dysfunctional relationships and patterns. A few to consider: Safe People by Cloud and Townsend, Wounds That Heal by Seamands, Emotional Dependency by Thorkelson ( for guys by Ensley.)
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