“How Do I overcome my fear of telling my gay friends I am overcoming my same sex attraction and homosexuality tendencies? What can I say to them that won’t sound like I’m personally attacking them.”
I want to spend some time laying groundwork here by sharing about my gay friends before and right at the time of my initial decision to pursue Christ’s will for my relationships. I will also touch upon the fact that I do have people I consider friends who identify as gay in my life today.
I left my gay identity and started questioning my gay defined worldview at the age of 24. All my friends were gay or pro-gay, I was “out” at work, with family and neighbors. Being “gay” affected what I considered to be options for sex, romance and friendship. It also imposed some restrictions on who I thought God could be like and what He believed. I would often share with Christians that God couldn’t possibly be who they think He is because I wouldn’t be the way I am if He thought so differently. I had even met an “former homosexual” when I was twenty years old and thought he was crazy. Being gay was the focal point of who I was. Sure, there were other elements of my life but they were all somehow run through the filter of a presupposed gay defined worldview.
In other words, I gave every Christian a run for their money if they brought the subject up. I know a little bit about the above question from both sides of the fence.
The truth is, being gay was my first and only sense of “being” up until after I met Christ. The Gay identified community was the only community at that point in my life who had embraced me … not rejected me. It was in a pro-gay environment that I first heard the concept of unconditional love and heard about a Christ who was concerned for me in the here and now. A drag queen lived out that lesson by taking me in when I was kicked out of my home at 19 because of my homosexuality.
By that point in life I had a good number of friends and all were gay or pro-gay. I hate to admit it but I looked down upon Christians. But then, I became one because the faith started making sense to me. I started encountering the most loving God who blew away all my expectations. His Love is such that sixteen years later I still feel like I have only scratched the surface of His glory and can’t fully grasp the eternal joy that He embodies. As my perceptions began to change and I verbalized my changing opinions and questions to may gay identified and pro-gay friends … it was very painful in those early days. The first year of my walk with Christ could be best characterized as bittersweet. I fell quickly and deeply in love with Christ but was daily reminded of the grief over the loss of friends as one by one they condemned my pursuit and walked away.
Granted, I am guilty of thinking out loud and I have no doubt I offended some of them first. My naive verbal blundering and their reverse judgment didn’t make for a good mix in some of the situations.
At the time, and still as they come to mind, I pray that the Lord would restore, reconcile, bring understanding in His Way and Will. Over the past sixteen years I have only seen a few of those old friends here and there. One friend did become a Christian but I learned nothing more or directly from him. Another former partner recommitted to Christ, married a woman and was actually a part of an Exodus support group for a while. I haven’t talked to him in about six years at the time of this writing though.
Over the years I have met a lot of people who deal with same sex attractions by embracing a gay identity and relational worldview. They don’t quite say it like that but there ya’ go. Most are general acquaintances and I enjoy the ones who comment on my blog, on facebook and others private emails. They know where I come from and I listen to their point of view. There are also a few friends that we simply enjoy each other’s company regardless of thinking the other needs to change their minds about these very important matters.
Now, finally back to the question
I think overcoming the fear of disclosure will come in being prayerfully prepared for the possibilities. How’s that for alliteration? ::: yikes :::
What is your motivation? - unlike the false pressure put on those with same sex attractions to “come out” to everybody, the truth is… you don’t have to disclose to everybody you know right now. For close friends and family, of course you want to be honest as to why you may not join them in particular activities or are facing unique challenges. They may be confused over “changing” patterns of behavior or beliefs without the background story. I think the best motivation, for me, was to simply be humbly authentic with friends who I had invested in and had invested in me. Some people feel you have to “witness” and all the cultural trappings of what that means. I found that sincere humble authenticity, modeled by abiding in Christ, is much better than impersonal scripture quoting.
If you know that your heart is in the right place, regardless of their potential mis-perception, you will be more secure in the conversation.
The “Deal-breaker” - many people on both sides will view beliefs over homosexuality as a proverbial “deal-breaker” if the other person doesn’t hold those same views. After Christ, I try very very very hard for that to never be the case with my friends or potential friends. I do always put forward other opportunities for common ground. Life is SO much more than this one issue so if the conversation gets really bad, reaffirm your friendship and willingness to bless regardless of differences. Be humble and honest about your own frailty and boundaries. Unconditional love is loving even when we strongly disagree and in spite of our weaknesses.
Even if the other friend is hurtful or breaks off the friendship themselves … don’t write them off. Respect their wishes but pray for open doors and opportunities to bless them. Pray that the Lord’s will is done in their lives and gives you wisdom. Some will be offended and stay away. Others will stomp off but time is an amazing dimension that might bring them stomping right back in at some point ::: grin :::. You might be surprised one day when that phone call comes from and old friend wanting to have coffee … or their car has broken down and they need your help … or that chance encounter at the local Chinese restaurant (totally happened to me). One time a friend was on my heart years and years after our “discussion.” I, fearfully, contacted him because I just knew that the Lord was telling me too. It was perfect timing and a really sweet conversation. He didn’t change his mind on anything but that wasn’t the goal of my call. Because of that a lot of healing happened and who knows where the Lord will lead this friend next. Regardless, trust in God to steward your life and theirs. Be intentional to serve and bless them in a way that is sacrificially giving if need be.
While estrangement and boundaries might create distance, don’t abandon hope for the best in your friendships. God is still God and He watches over us all.
Be clear, honest, respectful and assertive - Don’t get swept away in arguments beyond what you know or you know to be futile. It’s ok to say your opinion and leave it at that. It’s ok to say you don’t know if you don’t. Also, you don’t have to walk on eggshells to be civil. If you get it right you have communicated with sincerity and passion. You will know that what you said is true and can be at peace even if the conversation turns out to be difficult. If you stick your foot in your mouth … you won’t be the first. I know this from the unfortunate fact that I have done this more than a few times. But don’t sweat it, it is a very human thing to make mistakes. It’s a very humble, and necessary, thing to admit any wrong-doing to them and ask for forgiveness if necessary.
Own your part in the friendship as well. Your life isn’t dependent on their reaction and it isn’t all about them. Never forget that friendship is a two way street and it is reasonable to ask them to be tolerant of what they may not personally accept about *your* life. It is odd how many people thought, and think, that my self-determined path is all about being against them when it was and is nothing of the sort. They may not get it but don’t lose sight of this for yourself. You simply living your life in accordance with the principles of your faith is not an attack on others even though they might try to get in your head and convince you otherwise. That said, don’t demand tolerance and try to exact personal justice. It might be a stumbling block into a futile argument if that becomes a sticking point.
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Unconditional Friendship
I wrote the following in Alan Chambers’ book God’s Grace and The Homosexual Next Door …
One of the first things that the Lord taught me when I left homosexuality was actually through the example of a couple of friends around me. He said, “In order have consistent friends you must first start being a consistent friend.” There were two friends in my life that I knew, whether I was gay, accepted Christ or whatever, they would always be there. That no matter what, no one was going anywhere because we loved each other enough to fight it out, switch the subject or just press on until something else happened. See, with these friends, life was much more than my being gay or not. We recognized the vast complexity of each other and connected on more than one level. It was their willingness to meet with me, laugh with me, argue with me that let me know that it was worth being around them. They had the freedom to challenge my thinking and compel me to Christ because they were transparent, had modeled healthy boundaries with the obvious fruit of peace in spite of circumstance. These friends showed selfless sacrifice and service. Plus, I will admit it, I was mean to them! I tested their faith and resolve in any way I could and yet they didn’t run away or preach at me. They loved me with unconditional friendship. They earned the right to challenge my thinking by modeling humility and the love of Christ.
You Are Not Alone - You will need wisdom from God and the wisdom of other friends around you who can support you as you have these various conversations with other friends. You may need to draw boundaries with others and have accountability to process through the experience. You will need someone to pray with you who has empathy and objectivity.
And even with all the above advice in this probably too lengthy post, every friend is different. I would say slow down, think it through, check the necessity of your wanting to do this and your motivations. Commit to humble authenticity and unconditional friendship. Don’t be limited to the here and now. Don’t boil the whole relationship down to this one conversation over this one topic. Be intentional to seek the wisdom of Christ and godly friends around you. God will be faithful to help you through this and will be sure to meet your relational needs and minister to your friends.
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