Who Made You Judge? – Ask It Basket

A friend on Facebook writes …

Why is it that when you share with a friend that the lifestyle they are living is wrong in the eyes of God, they immediately come back with you are judging me.. Ugh.. Walking in love with a close friend trying my best to walk in love and go the extra mile. And we have a disagreement she comes back with, " I feel like you are condemning me.

If you are sharing with her that what she is doing is wrong in the eyes of God… you may not be judging the totality of her life and soul but you definitely are judging her actions. I personally think, and I could be wrong, that the broader view of the scriptures demonstrate that we should not judge others hearts but are too discern (judge) the actions of ourselves first and then others as they affect themselves, us and those around us. We have no right to judge a person's soul or motives (intent.) But if someone is lying or participating in behavior that is sinful according to the scriptures … the scripture obviously tells us to teach, correct, exhort … all kinds of things … that assess (judge) actions and compel a response.

All of that is encapsulated in the golden rule of loving God with our whole being and loving others as ourselves. It also is tempered by making sure we are aware of our own frailty first so that we approach others with humility and not out of our own sense of righteousness.

I have said before that I don't judge a person's heart but if their actions are out of line and I have an opportunity to add my opinion, or especially if they ask for my judgment of some action, I am more likely than not to just say it.

… cuz … that's how I roll. I'm an opinionated extrovert.

AND … If I do something absolutely stupid and asinine, you have full permission to judge my actions (just not my soul please. )

Brrring it!

But I try to make it very clear I don't judge someone's core worth over their actions. In fact, every human that draws breath is precious to God and that is why He makes His opinions so very clear in the scriptures and through His Spirit. That is why He died and rose again for us to be reconciled to the Father.

I think the key here is to honestly ask yourself, "Am I condemning her?" Are you overemphasizing what you perceive to be her error? Does she have a legitimate reason to feel condemned by you? Are you listening to her response for the sake of hearing her? If she keeps saying that she feels condemned, then you must assume that this is how she truly feels. Her perception is defining how she is hearing you.

So ask her how you could show her you care for her without compromising your own convictions. Ask her how she would prefer talking about those difficult subjects. Be prepared for her to say she doesn't want to talk about that with you. Then I would say trust that what you have shared has been enough for now and the Lord will open the door, if He wants too, to that discussion again in the future.

But that doesn't mean you are a doormat. If there are conversation land-mines that you know you don't need to head into … tell her. If you know that you know there are clear boundaries to make … make them. There is always give and take required by both people in friendships. Don't be heavy handed and keep it in the spirit of truly wanting to be a loving and good friend. There will also be plenty of opportunities for you to sacrifice your expectations of what she should have or could have done.

… sacrificial, unconditional friendship … you know that'll preach.

Commit to unconditional friendship and don't get all weird about it but … bless her. Treat her with genuine kindness and joy. If the Lord convicts your own heart on any matter with her … be quick to confess and make amends. I am not saying you need to do that but if you are given the opportunity to genuinely and transparently live out "conviction and repentance" with her… it might reveal a side of grace, humility and redemption in a different way. Knowing you I would imagine you already do this but it bears repeating.

Live out what you are calling her to consider … and send her a silly card or something.