Here is one of the follow up posts concerning my visit of a loved one in jail last Friday. Interestingly, I thought I would be alllll about blogging that day and even through the weekend. Instead… I haven’t wanted to be online at all Friday through now. It’s been very interesting how my expectations flipped so dramatically. I got plenty of offline errands done and time with friends this weekend which is really nice. Plus, not being online gave me more time to ponder.
In this whole experience of watching someone go through addiction, watch its progression and unfortunate (and I would consider devastating) consequences it’s been very hard. I know what it is like to watch my father give in to addictions which led him to abandon our family. I also know what it is like to be a substance abuser myself. It almost killed me several times, negatively affected those around me and robbed my life of contentment and joy at the beginning of my adulthood.
However, watching someone I have known for a *very* long time … a peer … go through this, keep going through this … still going through this … Well, that’s its own unique angle to this kind of pain.
And all of a sudden this person and several others are looking to *me* to help solve the problem … but they don’t like what I have to say (for the most part) … and yet … nobody is going anywhere cause we all love each other.
So, a couple of my friends (not directly tied to the issue) who know all the specifics told me to meditate on what does “grace” mean in this situation? What would “the unmerited favor of God” work to influence my very mortal actions in this situation.
Here are some of the thoughts that have come to mind. They aren’t comprehensive and I reserve the right to be wrong. I am going to keep the statements in the “first person” because it is what I am going through and I don’t want it to sound too preachy.
Grace isn’t selfish … sometimes I do have to stop my content and relatively comfortable life to be there simply to be there. Even if the pattern has been to be there, repeatedly and not be listened too. In this case, trust me, I still have to be there in some form or capacity. Sometimes the main ministry is to simply be present.
Grace is purposeful … A gracious response to intervene does so to help facilitate or create room for others to make their plans. At the same time I believe a gracious response is to also know what my solid and adjustable boundaries are and keep them in like manner. I also think it is to know what my own healthy and unhealthy limits are. I must be purposeful to also protect my loved one from having to deal with my weaknesses that might be triggered.
Grace teaches … one of my favorite life axioms is the number one rule of teaching to ” never do for others what they can do for themselves. That’s the only way we learn.” I can humbly point out and try to explain the facts, point to the different decisions to be made, explain the potential outcomes and consequences, but it’s up to the person on what they do with what I have given them. It will never work to do the work for them. And what worked for me is simply what worked for me. They may need a different mix to compel them toward Christ and substance abuse free living.
Grace knows when to shut up. <– That’s the worst one for me. I am such a smart ass sometimes. I am genuinely apologetic if my “smart ass” self description is offensive. But … it’s the best description I can think of at the moment and true. I have a tongue that can cut someone in half. I used to blame it on being raised by a pack of drag queens but … I wasn’t ever raised by a pack of drag queens. Humbly stated, I have a quick wit and when it isn’t submitted to Christ I can say some reactive and stupid things.
Somehow I get to revisit this lesson … often. Not nearly as often as before but … still something I struggle with.
At the jail, my loved one just kept talking and talking. I would want to jump in on some things with what I thought were great pithy points. Seriously, in my own mind I thought they were very clever (not that I struggle with vanity or anything) and would break what I was considering denial and I felt the Lord say, “Hold up there … just be quiet and let him talk.” So I kept my mouth shut and then it occurred to me what an honor it is for him, my loved one, to want to share this information with me within a minute he was weeping and saying something that I had hoped he would at least acknowledge.
There is a third Person speaking into the conversation and being a smart aleck, or popping off with what I think is obvious could be distracting from the work of the Spirit in the other person’s heart as they “outwardly process.” I could have said my smart aleck thing and the only thing that would be remembered was that Randy was a smart ass again. Instead the Lord spoke to his heart and produced a better outcome. I got kinda’ choked up typing that last sentence.
Grace knows when to speak up. Now, there is then times I have to say something that I don’t want to say. Words that I know the other person is not going to want to hear and even if I said them a million times … they still don’t listen … and I still need to say them. This also ties into grace being purposeful to edify and bless with truth.
Conclusion … I think it’s obvious grace is merciful, selfless, sacrificial, purposeful, aware of the process and goal but not a doormat or enabling. 
It’s about seeking the best for my friend but not taking it personally if they get angry or simply don’t accept the advice. And the true “grace” that my loved one needs is not from me but from God and I have to trust the Holy Spirit is never tiring of His counsel, that Jesus is always interceding before the Throne of Grace and our Abba Father is always listening with a just and merciful ear.
Invitation …
Feel free to add your thoughts, correct … whatever you feel like you would want to contribute. Next I want to write a little about what the experience of visiting a jail was like. It’s unlike anything I have ever done before.
ADDENDUM 01/19/09:
Joe left a great addition in his comment:
All your “grace” points work – one that I’m also learning is that “Grace Isn’t Worried.” I’ve been convicted lately that my stress is anything but God honoring, and that when grace is called for, it should be given with the peaceful confidence that God is working in the situation, and has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. My part is to extend the grace, let Him use it, then peacefully relinquish the outcome to His hands. I think today’s post will help me do that.
Thank you Joe!
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Wonderfully challenging insights! I struggle to be a better listener and stop trying to be clever. Thanks for sharing
wow, it's very humbling of you to admit that you can be a smart butt sometimes. Being sensitive to the Holy Spirit is very precious. With your friend knowing where you stand and he still opens up and empties himself to you is wonderful. That just shows that he trusts you.
The grace of God is beyond words for me. It's so amazing that as you were open for the Lord to use you to share and simply just be there for your friend, he ministered something to you as well. What a great and loving Father we have. I appreciate you sharing. I will continue to pray that the yoke of bondage will be broken off his life. The Lord is so loving to us that he never ceases to stop pruning us, so we can bear more fruit. I pray that the Lord will guide you and give you strength to endure this trail and come out stronger and more dependent upon him. Have a blessed evening. :smiles to you:
ok Randy here we go again.(This is Crystal) but the username is bsbeloved…I will try again i am over here going crazy. Ok I like the points you brought about Grace being purposeful: Knowing what your healthy and unhealthy limits are is so important… very good point. And protecting your loved one from having to deal with your weakness that may be triggered is good too. I think that is very hard to do sometimes for a lot of people myself included. The last thign we need to do is get ourselves in a mess trying to help someone else out of theirs'. Grae is a treacher: “It will never work to do the work for them” very very true but hard sometimes but that is the only way change will take place in ones life. “And what worked for me simply worked for me” That is a good point to. Often times we get frustrated with people when they don't do what we think they should b/c it worked for us does not mean it will work the same way for them. We have to remember that God is a big God can he knows how to deal with each of us in the way He needs to , to bring change in our lives… Being a smart ass doesn't hep at all taht only makes people more hurt and more angry then before..(which is what you said) I am really sensing that for you Randy this a time season of growth and getting even closer to Abba's heart…. Andfor your loved one this may be what it takes for them to hit rock bottom and wake up
Cool, God showed up BIG! I'm thrilled for the direction of your visit. More prayer! Yay! Being something of a smart a** myself, I identify with your statements in that regard. I can also say “Amen!” with you about keeping the mouth closed and the ears open. One of my wise mentors used to tell me, “God gave us 2 ears and one mouth; use them in that order!” Used to make me nuts when she'd say it ad nauseum…but I finally got it! (I'm just a wee bit hard-headed!)
Randy, you're in top form when you think through what you've experienced, break it down and pass it on. I've spent time visiting an incarcerated loved one, and I don't remember ever reading a better description of the grace that situation calls for than the one you just posted. All your “grace” points work – one that I'm also learning is that “Grace Isn't Worried.” I've been convicted lately that my stress is anything but God honoring, and that when grace is called for, it should be given with the peaceful confidence that God is working in the situation, and has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. My part is to extend the grace, let Him use it, then peacefully relinquish the outcome to His hands. I think today's post will help me do that.
you are welcome.
No … I admitted to be a smart ass.
I hope he trusts me but better yet will trust in God. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate the prayers.
I know Crystal … why can't people just see that our way is the best way?::: laugh :::That is all very true. It's good to see you “pressed through” and was able to post a comment here. I hope you do often.
We should start a group called SAA (SmartAss Anonymous.) And everyone would have to introduce themselves as, “Hi, I am so and so and I am a recovering smartass.” I like that. It is very difficult to reign in the tongue isn't it? But, we must we must! Your mentor sounds wise and fun.
wow…. thank you Joe. I am kind of taken aback (in a blessed way.) I receive your gracious encouragement
.I love the “grace isn't worried” addition. I might have missed that because … I still worry … as evidenced by my lack of fingernails. I think I will add your comment along those lines to the original post so people will be sure to see it. I think that is a very important addition.