Last night I was listening to one of my favorite songs over the years. It’s called “No Letting Go” by Wayne Wonder. I liked it before I met my last girlfriend but it took on a new dimension while I was dating her.
As the song played, my heart began to sink before my mind remembered that it had been one of “our” songs. It clicked in my head that over the past couple of years I hadn’t really allowed myself to listen to it all the way through when it would pop up randomly on my iPhone. It has a distinctive beginning so normally, without hesitation, I would click the >>| button to get to the next song as soon as possible. This has been my defensive reaction to what might appear to be a small reminder of her that for whatever reason wasn’t as small as I wanted it to be.
Until last night, when it didn’t even cross my mind to not listen to it all the way through. My heart remembered, that’s why it began to sink, even though my mind had temporarily forgotten our relationship.
Bittersweet moment of recognition. I have moved on.
It’s been two years. My mentor says that I feel things very deeply and powerfully. I think I wept for her every day for the first six months after it was finally “over over.” And I thought of her every day for quite a while after that.
I missed her smile but am happy she has found a new life.
I missed her laughter but am glad she has a new community that brings her joy.
I missed the playful joking around, dancing and sweet private conversations … but I pray she is fulfilled, flourishing and content with her life.
I missed the feeling of looking into her eyes and seeing love. I know now that is a foreshadowing of a Greater Love. Maybe today she is looking at another man with those same eyes …
… and he’d better treat her right or I’ll kill ‘em.
When we first started seriously dating I said to her that regardless of the outcome of our relationship I wanted to be able to honestly say that we honored God, that we would love and respect each other no matter what happened and that we can say we are better people as a result of our relationship. I can honestly say all of that is true for me today.
I know God more intimately, I loved her one way and now a different way, I respect her and I am a different man (for the better) because of her.
And, today, she is gone … and I have moved on as well.
And even as beautiful as I once thought that relationship was, and it was beautiful in many ways, if I marry here in this life, even this past relationship won’t hold a candle to the beauty and intimacy I know will be present with my wife.
And even then, it will all point to the time when the Lord’s Bride (His Church) comes Home to Him, looks into His eyes, knows Him as She is known by Him … and rest.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
This is strong. Poignant. It is amazing how love remains even when love is lost. Thank you for sharing a snapshot of your heart. Now, I will go listen to this song.
Thank you for the feedback. Love is a powerful thing … that is why God is so passionate about it. Let me know what you think of the song
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Whoever she was, Randles, she was a lucky lady. Because she had you in her life as her partner, and you both came closer to God through your relationship. That’s so beautiful. And how things are intended. I hope that if you are to be with someone for life, then your rel with her is even better than with this lady, growing closer to God all the time. By the way, like the pic. You’re the type of person who looks different in different shots. The many facets of Randy Thomas. Interesting…
Thanks Catherine. God is good and faithful. I trust Him with my relational future and content with whatever His will is. Thanks also about the pic. I am having fun with the camera.
Will trust that God knows best in this situation and that “in the long run” life will be better when you look back on it. Grateful that He lets grief come in small waves but not all at once to overpower any of us.